


Touch Before Sight

by thats_entirely_too_much_tuna



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 10:12:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12628740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thats_entirely_too_much_tuna/pseuds/thats_entirely_too_much_tuna
Summary: "I dreamt about you, you know."If Todd had been drinking something, he would've spit it out. "You... you did?""Yes, almost constantly," Dirk said matter-of-factly. "I had this recurring dream where you and Farah broke into my room with a crossbow to rescue me."Todd frowned. "Who had the crossbow, me or Farah?"“You did, Todd, obviously,” Dirk snorted. “Farah had the machine gun.”Todd tries to get to the bottom of Dirk's odd behavior while they're both stuck in their prison cell for the night. Set between Fans of Wet Circles and Two Broken Fingers.





	Touch Before Sight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again, friends! Believe it or not, I wrote this little one-shot just after Episode 2 aired, and between being away for a week and preparing to move to Brooklyn, it's taken me this long to edit it and post it. Turns out there were a couple small parallels between this fic and Episode 3, even though it hadn't aired yet when I wrote this, so... I guess my psychic tendencies have struck again?
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy. I'd say this is one-third angst, one-third smut, one-third fluff, so there's something in it for everyone! Trigger warning for Todd's usual self-loathing thoughts, and some Blackwing-related angst.
> 
> Also, if you wanna get musical, listen to the song Morphine by Lights while you read. It kinda captures the feeling I was going for. The title is inspired by a Margaret Atwood quote.
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment and/or subscribe! :) <3

Todd was extremely uncomfortable. Despite all the shitty things he’d done in his life, he’d never actually ended up in a jail cell, but sitting here on the cold, hard floor with prison bars digging into his back seemed somehow fitting.

He supposed he could find a more comfortable position (after all, Dirk had his back against an actual wall, and Farah was asleep in her bunk in the cell opposite them), but he couldn't really be bothered to move. He decided to compromise, taking off his well-worn stoner jacket, balling it up, and putting it behind his head as a makeshift pillow. The fabric was irritating against his neck. He left it that way.

He checked his wristwatch. It was just after two in the morning. He knew he should probably get some rest, recover his faculties so he could deal with those idiot cops in the morning. The problem was, he didn’t feel tired in the slightest. Plus, Dirk was twiddling his thumbs across from him, and leaving him awake by himself didn’t seem right for some reason.

Todd let his gaze wander over to Farah, who was in her bunk with her back to them. Through sharing shitty motel rooms with her over the past couple of months, he’d learned she liked to take up as little space as possible when she slept. At first, he thought this was out of necessity, since they were mostly forced to sleep in twin beds (separate ones, obviously). But on the rare chance they got a room with a couple of doubles, or even queens, Farah still slept curled right on the edge of the bed, looking as though she could spring into action at a moment’s notice.

Todd was looking at her, half amazed that she was able to sleep after the day they'd had, half wondering whether she was asleep at all, when he felt a prickling sensation that suggested he was being watched. He looked back to find Dirk openly staring at him.

"Dirk?" he asked. "Everything okay?"

Dirk seemed to startle at the sound of Todd's voice. "Yes, fine. Why?"

Todd looked at him deliberately, waiting for him to clue in. Dirk just looked back with wide, expectant eyes. Todd finally gave up. "You were looking at me."

The cell was dark, but Todd could’ve sworn he saw a blush coloring Dirk’s cheeks. "Oh,” he said sheepishly. “Right. Sorry, I must've... not been paying attention."

Todd narrowed his eyes at him. "It's okay," he said skeptically.

Dirk offered him a tight-lipped smile and went back to twiddling his thumbs. Todd shrugged half-heartedly and decided to let it go. He tilted his head back, hoping he could pass the time by finding strange shapes in the ceiling, or maybe counting the tiles. He lost interest in this endeavour after about two minutes, however, and when he looked back down, Dirk's eyes were once again flicking over his form.

"Dirk." 

"Hm?"

"You're doing it again."

Dirk's face fell, and he let his head thump against the wall with a frustrated growl. "I'm sorry, Todd. I'll stop."

Todd was growing steadily more concerned. This was weird, even for Dirk. "What is up with you?" he asked.

Dirk looked at him plaintively. “Nothing,” he said. “Only... I’ve just spent the past two months wondering if I'd ever see you again, and now, _here you are_ , right in front of me.” He sighed. “It's hard not to stare, is all.”

“Oh. That's--” He shrugged. “I get it.” 

Todd did not get it. In the brief time he’d known Dirk, Todd had ignored him, insulted him, invalidated him and his abilities, and in return, Dirk had spent two months hoping he'd somehow see him again. It made no sense. It was really depressing, actually, that Dirk felt such a strong attachment to him. He'd obviously never had a healthy relationship-- or friendship, rather-- in his life. It made Todd feel guilty. It made him feel like he was this close to fucking everything up.

"It’s just," he continued. "I don't know where to look when you're looking at me."

Dirk gave him a sharp nod. "Understood," he said. "I'll try to stop."

 _Fuck_. Now Todd felt worse. Why couldn't he have one fucking interaction without making someone feel like shit? He needed to fix this, to let Dirk know he was there for him, however little that was worth.

“Dirk,” he began, “if there’s anything that happened to you that you wanna talk about, you can... talk to me.”

Dirk looked at him curiously. "Like what?" 

Todd blinked. "Like... Blackwing."

Dirk's features lit up in recognition. " _Ohhh_ , that," he said. "Well, there's really not much worth mentioning. They kept me in a cell for sixty-three days, taking me out for daily experimentation, and punishing me with negative reinforcement whenever I got anything wrong, which was quite literally always." He gave Todd a cheerful smile that definitely seemed forced. 

"Not worth mentioning?" Todd exclaimed. "That sounds awful."

"To be honest, the room they kept me in was far nicer than this cell."

"Dirk..."

“The bed was larger, the environment was sterile, I had a shelf with… things.”

“ _Dirk_.”

"Okay, so it wasn't exactly a walk in the park," Dirk said derisively. "But it’s not like it was a new experience. Though I will say their methods have gotten slightly more... extreme." Dirk's eyes fell away for a moment, and Todd saw pain flicker almost imperceptibly over his face before he recovered with a smile. "New management," he chuckled, waving a hand dismissively. "At the very least, I think I can safely say I've beaten your record for electrocution!" 

This was flat-out fucking agonizing. "Dirk," Todd said slowly, "you know, you don't have to pretend you're okay if you're not."

"What do you mean?" Dirk chirped.

"I mean, you don’t need to put on a brave face for me, or whatever."

Dirk's brightness faded slightly. "I'm fine, Todd. Really. It was actually quite a bit more manageable than last time."

"Manageable how, exactly?" Todd asked.

Dirk looked at him as though he were daft. "Well, I'm not sure how you did in maths, Todd, but two months is a far sight better than an entire childhood. Not to mention, I had you and Farah." 

"But you didn’t," Todd objected, feeling a pang in his chest. "We looked for you for two months, and we couldn’t break you out. The only reason you're here is Mona Whatsername--" 

"Wilder." 

" _Whatever_." 

Dirk gave a small smile. "It doesn't matter. You're here now. Ooh, and by the way, I've decided to promote you back to ward." 

Todd raised his eyebrows. _Okay, I'll bite,_ he thought. "And what prompted that?" 

“Well, I may have been a bit hasty earlier,” Dirk allowed. “I should think tirelessly searching for your employer for two months rather goes beyond the line of duty of an assistant.”

"You're not my employer, Dirk, you're my friend." 

"Do you accept the promotion or not, Todd?" Dirk asked impatiently. 

"Fine." 

They sat in slightly-less-than-comfortable silence for a few moments before Dirk spoke again. "I dreamt about you, you know." 

If Todd had been drinking something, he would've spit it out. "You... you did?" 

"Yes, almost constantly," Dirk said matter-of-factly. "I had this recurring dream where you and Farah broke into my room with a crossbow to rescue me." 

Todd frowned. "Who had the crossbow, me or Farah?" 

“You did, Todd, obviously,” Dirk snorted. “Farah had the machine gun.”

Okay, cool, cool, cool. That was handy information to have. Real good to know. And, come to think of it, Todd should probably say something now because he was just looking at Dirk with his mouth hanging open, and Dirk's eyes kept growing wider, and yup, now would very much be a good time to speak, and-- “I guess the image of me with a crossbow really worked for you, huh?” Nope. Wrong. Bad.

Dirk said nothing. Just sat there with enormous eyes, their normal blue dulled to gray by the darkness. Todd's stomach dropped. He briefly considered never saying another word again.

After a few excruciatingly long moments, Dirk opened his mouth. "You were the only reason I made it through, Todd," he said, his words stealing Todd’s breath away. "I had no idea if you'd been captured, or killed, or worse, but I held out hope that my dream would come true. That one day, you’d break down my door and whisk me away from all that... horribleness."

“But I didn’t,” Todd repeated. _Because I failed,_ he thought.

“That isn’t the point,” Dirk insisted. “Imagining it was enough. I imagined you in lots of situations, actually.” Todd must’ve made an involuntary face, because Dirk scrambled to clarify. “Or, rather-- I didn’t mean-- it was situations that _I_ was in. That is to say, whenever things got too... something... I would conjure you up in my mind. What you looked like, what you sounded like, and... actually that's about all the sensory information I had at my disposal, but still. It really did help, Todd."

Todd tried to speak, but no sound came out. He cleared his throat. "Well, good. That’s-- I'm glad."

There was a different quality to the way Dirk was looking at him now. Almost as though he were deliberating something. Questioning. Todd was frozen, unable to do anything but stare back. And then Dirk seemed to make a decision, shuffling over to Todd on his knees. Todd tried not to inhale too shakily as he approached.

"Actually, speaking of," he said quietly, when he was face to face with Todd, "on the off-chance I get... recaptured, and it isn't quite so easy for me to escape--" 

"I wo-- Farah and I won't let that happen, Dirk." 

"I know," Dirk said, though there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. "I know you won't. But just in case, my imagination-Todd was a bit lacking in the sensory department, and I wouldn't mind gathering some more information." 

Todd's eyes grew large. "Information, as in...?" 

Dirk gave a barely-there nod, reaching his hands out slightly. "Do you mind?" he asked. Then he winced, pulling his hands back. "You can say no. Obviously." 

Todd looked at Dirk, so desperate and hopeful in front of him, hands hovering nervously in the air. As overwhelming as all this was, Todd knew he couldn't say no. More importantly, he didn't _want_ to say no. So he returned Dirk's tiny nod and knelt to match him, his balled-up sweater falling noiselessly to the floor. 

Permission granted, Dirk seemed to relax, only for an entirely different part of him to visibly tighten at the thought of what that permission meant. He carefully reached his hands out (Todd thought they might have been trembling), and placed his palms flat against Todd's chest. Todd’s treacherous heart began to pound wildly, and he hoped to God that Dirk couldn't feel it. Todd could certainly feel the heat emanating from Dirk's hands, spreading through him and warming him to his core.

Dirk looked at his hands on Todd's chest, transfixed. He slowly slid them to his shoulders, and up to either side of his neck, causing a shiver to run down Todd’s spine. Then he ran them along his arms, pausing every so often to gently squeeze the small muscles there. Finally, he put them back on his chest only to drag them down his torso, the heels of his hands lifting until it was just the tips of his fingers grazing Todd's stomach. 

All Todd wanted at this point was to close his eyes and let his head fall back with a groan, but that's not what this was about. This was about setting Dirk's mind at ease, giving him some comfort. This was cataloguing. Record-keeping. It wasn’t meant to be sensual; it was just sensory. But he couldn't help but feel a tug at his heartstrings when Dirk reached up to cup his face, focusing determinedly on his own thumbs stroking Todd's cheeks, like he was intent on committing this feeling to memory. Dirk’s own face was inches away, and all Todd could do was clench his jaw and try to control his breathing.

Eventually, Dirk's hands stilled. He hesitated for just a moment, and then he began to lean in, his head getting closer and closer to Todd's neck, close enough that Todd was able to wrench his eyes shut and let his mouth fall open a little. Close enough that the tip of Dirk’s nose was just brushing the underside of Todd's jaw. And then he inhaled. An endless moment passed during which time neither of them moved or spoke. Todd could feel Dirk thinking, processing.

"You smell like a forest," he finally whispered. 

Todd felt all the air rush from his lungs. It was all he could do to keep quiet as Dirk inhaled again, his nose pressing further into Todd's neck. Heady rushes of adrenaline shot through him as Dirk breathed in his scent over and over, each inhale needier than the last. 

When Dirk was satisfied, he removed his hands from Todd's face, sat back on his heels and took an unsteady breath. "Thank you, Todd," he croaked. “That was… very generous of you.”

Todd opened his eyes and looked at Dirk, whose cheeks were on fire, pupils blown wide. His fingers were white with how tightly his hands were clenched, and he was very deliberately not making eye contact. Todd took all this in, dumbfounded. This may have started out innocently enough, but it had clearly become something else for Dirk. So maybe Todd hadn’t been too far off the mark. Maybe this was an opportunity.

He took a breath and asked, "What about taste?"

Dirk looked at him, alarmed. "I'm... I'm sorry?"

"You forgot taste," Todd repeated, testing the water, daring him.

For a tense couple of seconds, Dirk seemed like he might pass out. He looked at Todd, disbelief painted on his face, as though he thought Todd were joking, or that he'd misheard him. Todd merely looked back at him, telling him without words that he wasn't joking, that Dirk had heard him correctly. After a visible internal struggle, Dirk’s features hardened with resolve, and he began to slowly lean forward. Bit by bit, he got closer, and Todd waited, hardly daring to breathe. As Dirk’s face began to blur, Todd closed his eyes, and mere moments after, he felt the soft brush of Dirk’s lips against his. It was a barely-there kiss; as soon as it had begun, it was over, and Dirk was drawing back to look at Todd with full, wondrous eyes.

"What do I taste like?" Todd asked in a low voice.

"Erm," Dirk said. "I can't quite tell. I think I need a second go."

Todd was more than happy to oblige. He enveloped Dirk's parted lips in his, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. Dirk’s hands immediately flew to Todd’s face, his thumbs tracing small circles on his cheekbones, and Todd felt like he was overflowing. He splayed his fingers on Dirk's back as the kiss grew more heated, more intense.

"You taste like... cobalt blue," Dirk said breathily when he surfaced for air.

"Really?" 

"Mmm," he confirmed, taking Todd's mouth again. "And rainclouds." He slid his tongue against Todd's. "And coffee."

Todd pulled back and looked at him in astonishment. "I barely know what any of that means."

"It's good," Dirk assured him, staring hungrily at Todd’s mouth with dark, hooded eyes. "It's very good." 

Todd smiled, despite himself. "Good." 

"Is it alright if we keep kissing?" 

Todd slid a hand into Dirk's hair in response, guiding him close. Their lips met again, and Dirk became a blur of activity. He worked his mouth desperately against Todd’s, like he needed it to breath. He moved his hands down to Todd’s chest, fisting them in his shirt, leaning all his weight into him. Todd found he didn’t really mind the cold metal of the prison bars as long as Dirk was pinning him against them. To show his appreciation, he gripped Dirk’s hair in one of his hands, and began lightly stroking his back with the other. Dirk moaned into Todd's mouth at this onslaught of sensation, hands tightening even further in his shirt, like he would have reached right inside him if it were possible. He pressed his lips to the corner of Todd’s mouth, and then he continued onward, leaving a trail of hot, wet kisses along Todd's jaw and down his neck. When his mouth found Todd’s pulse point, he latched on for dear life and began to suck vigorously. Todd bit back a loaded groan, not wanting to wake Farah. God, he really hoped she was actually asleep right now. 

"Fuck, Dirk," he sighed. "I really fucking missed you." 

Dirk came off of Todd’s neck with a pop, and stopped moving entirely. Todd slowed his hands to a halt as he realized that Dirk was basically frozen against him. He craned his neck, trying to see his face. “Are you okay?” he asked.

After a brief silence, Dirk said, barely audibly, "I missed you too, Todd.” He let out a sharp exhale. “I missed you so much."

Todd took the hand tangled in Dirk’s hair, and moved it down to grip the back of his neck. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here."

It was then that Dirk let out a choked sob, and Todd realized with a plunging feeling in his gut that he had been crying. In that moment, Todd hated himself more than ever. He hated himself for his selfishness, for his willingness to take advantage of Dirk’s vulnerable state. He hated himself for being so unobservant that he hadn’t clued in to Dirk’s distress, to his sheer desperation to lose himself in Todd’s body. He hated himself for hating himself. 

And then, as quickly as the feeling had come on, it was swept away, overtaken by something else. It was overtaken by the tall man who was clinging to him like a child, face buried in his neck as he wept. In that moment, Todd decided that this particular never-ending spiral of self-hatred could wait, and he shoved all guilty thoughts aside in favor of wrapping his arms around Dirk and rocking him back and forth. Dirk shook against him, letting out wracked sobs, his tears hot on Todd's skin.

"It was so bad, Todd," he said, over and over. "It was so bad. It was so bad."

All Todd could do was hold him and say, "I know. I know. I know."

They remained like that until Dirk cried himself dry, his sobs reduced to weak sniffles. Eventually his breathing evened out and he went limp in Todd's arms. Todd wasn't in the most comfortable position, but he sure as hell wasn't about to move.

Around the point that Dirk had started weeping, Todd had gotten the feeling that Farah was no longer asleep. Sure enough, as soon as Dirk drifted off, Todd heard a rustling sound from the opposite cell. He turned to see Farah looking at them, quiet concern in her eyes. Todd returned her gaze, hoping the image of him cradling Dirk would speak for itself. She finally gave him a sad, knowing smile and rolled over to give them some privacy.

Todd sat there with Dirk wrapped in his arms for hours, wishing he could do something for him. Something other than just _being there_. Usually, Todd _being there_ didn't work out too well for the people he cared about. The people he loved. A small voice in the back of his head told him that maybe that was what Dirk needed. Someone who was just _there_. Someone he could talk to. Someone who would listen. Someone who would touch him when he needed it, kiss him when he wanted it, and hold him when he cried. Someone who wasn't always trying to _fix everything_. But Todd didn’t know if he could be that person. 

What he did know was that, after two months of never-ending searching, he finally had a warm Dirk Gently tucked snugly against him, and that was way more of a win than he'd been expecting that day. So he just sat there and let himself listen to Dirk breathe. He felt the air ghost over his neck with every exhale. He watched the subtle changes pass over Dirk’s face as he slept. He leaned down and softly pressed his lips against Dirk’s forehead. He buried his face in Dirk’s hair, the sterile smell of Blackwing doing nothing to mask his natural sweet scent. He held this man steady. This man, who had been through far more by the time he was sixteen than Todd had by the time he was thirty. This man, who had been captured and abused and taken advantage of time and again. Todd gazed at Dirk, calm and trusting in his arms, and his chest ached for him.

When morning finally came, sunlight streamed into the cell in thick beams. Todd watched idly as it made its way across the room, waiting for it to illuminate Dirk’s face. Dirk stirred when it did, wrinkling his nose at the offending brightness. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he looked around wildly, clearly trying to identify his surroundings, and then panicking when he couldn't. Todd felt Dirk tighten, brace himself for something unimaginable. Todd was just about to say something, remind him of where he was, of what had happened-- and then Dirk looked up and saw who was holding him. Todd watched as his expression changed from disorientation to confusion, and finally to comprehension. His entire body loosened, his features flooding with so much relief that some of it spilled over onto Todd, filling him up. 

Dirk smiled at him gratefully, and the dull pain of affection throbbed steadily in Todd's chest. No, he had no idea if he could be the kind of person Dirk needed. But as Dirk reached a hand up to softly caress his cheek, he knew he wanted to try.


End file.
